Things You Should Never Do
by Sadness-is-Beautiful
Summary: 50 things you should never, ever, ever do, as demonstrated by the good people...and vampires...and werewolves...of Forks.
1. Football Season

Bella sighed contently. Sitting on Edward's couch, wrapped in his arms, life couldn't get any better than this. Edward smiled her favorite crooked smile that made her knees grow weak and made it difficult to think coherently. He stroked his thumb across her cheekbone and cupped her face in his hands. Gazing intensely into her eyes, he slowly brought his lips to hers-

"DON'T LET HIM GET THE BALL! UGH, STUPID HUMAN! DEFENSE! GET IT BACK, DON'T LET HIM GET A TOUCHDO-NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The loud roar caused Bella to jump a mile and Edward to curse. He jumped up and disappeared from the room, apparently to go tackle Emmett for interrupting their kiss and scaring Bella half to death.

Bella leaned her head against the back of the couch and tried to slow her racing heart.

Never try to have a romantic moment with your vampire boyfriend at his family's house when it's football season.

**A/N: There are 32 O's in the "No!" that Emmett shouts. I counted. Hehe.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, New Moon, or football. **


	2. Bored Vampires

Poke.

Poke.

"Stop it."

Poke.

"I mean it!"

Poke.

"Edward…"

Poke.

"Edward, if you don't stop doing that right now, I'm going to-"

Cold lips pressed against hers and turned her brain to mush.

He pulled back with a grin.

"You were saying?"

Bella glared at him, then put the book she was trying to read down with a sigh.

Never try to ignore vampires. 

**A/N: Bored vampires are so annoying.**

**This reminds me of a funny talk with a friend. Perverted convo alert!**

**Friend: Poking causes pregnancy.**

**Me: Only if you do it right**

**Haha.**


	3. A Woman and Her Chocolate

Bella brought the chocolate bar to her lips to take that first delicious bite. She closed her eyes and savored the rich sweetness…and then the candy was plucked out of her hand. She opened her eyes to glare at Edward who had a smirk on his face and held her precious chocolate.

"Give it back!"

His smirk widened.

"What will you give me for it?"

She stared at him in confusion until he tapped a finger to his lips. Oh.

She leaned in, giving him the sweetest kiss she could manage…before biting hard on his lower lip.

He jumped back in surprise and she took the opportunity to steal her candy back.

"Did you just…bite me?" Shock and disbelief colored his tone.

Bella just smiled and walked out of the room with her hands tight around her prize protectively.

Never get between a woman and her chocolate.

**A/N: The M&M's I just ate inspired this one. Silly Edward.**


	4. Caught

Sitting in the rocking chair in Bella's room in the middle of the night, with Bella in his lap, Edward blew lightly in her ear and made her giggle.

He loved her breathless laugh, the way her nose scrunched up, how her eyes danced.

She loved his crooked smile, the way his eyes sparkled when amused, his musical laugh.

They completely forgot where they were, they were so enthralled with each other.

They didn't hear Charlie come up the stairs. They didn't notice him opening Bella's bedroom door. They did, however, hear him shout,

"Isabella Marie Swan, what the hell is _he_ doing here?!?"

Never sneak your boyfriend into your room and get distracted by his beautiful, breathtaking, shining, intense, enchanting, you get the picture, topaz eyes and forget about your dad that checks up on you 3 times a night.

**A/N: Um…yeah. I don't really like this one. It didn't come out the way I wanted it to. I'll probably rewrite it later.**


	5. Stupid trees or vampires

Version 1:

Jacob was pissed. No, he was beyond pissed, he was absolutely furious. Furious at Bella, at Edward, at the whole Cullen family. At all the stupid bloodsucking vampire leeches in the world! He strode through the forest, intending to barge in Bella's house and stop her from making the biggest mistake of her life. Stop her from becoming his sworn enemy.

And while he was there, he was going to punch pretty-boy Cullen's face in. Then he and Bella could get together and-

WHACK!

Flat on his back, his head in agony, Jacob glared at the broken tree branch above him.

Never not pay attention when walking through a forest when you're a 6'5" (and still growing) werewolf.

* * *

Version 2:

Jacob was pissed. No, he was beyond pissed, he was absolutely furious. Furious at Bella, at Edward, at the whole Cullen family. At all the stupid bloodsucking vampire leeches in the world! He strode through the forest, intending to barge in Bella's house and stop her from making the biggest mistake of her life. Stop her from becoming his sworn enemy.

And while he was there, he was going to punch pretty-boy Cullen's face in. Then he and Bella could get together and-

WHACK!

Flat on his back, Jacob glared up at a very offended Pretty-boy Cullen, who smirked at him, then disappeared, headed to Bella's.

Never think bad thoughts about a mind reading vampire, or think about stealing said vampire's girlfriend.

* * *

**A/N: I couldn't decide which one I liked more, so I put them both up. Tell me what you think!**

**BTW, I love Jacob. He's a cuddly puppy. But I also like making fun of him. He's so cute when he's mad! (Meaning he usually morphs into a giant dog)**

**Hehe**


	6. Poor Jasper

Shift. Fidget. Squirm. Sigh.

Jasper was sitting in between his brothers on the couch, watching a baseball game.

Usually, he enjoyed this. Usually, he had fun rooting for the team that was playing against Emmett's and making him mad.

Usually, his brothers weren't an emotional wreck of sexual tension.

Edward usually had a good grip on his emotions, but the closer the graduation deadline drew to change Bella, the more frustrated he got. And Rosalie was mad at Emmett for some unknown, illogical reason, and was denying him the only thing he loved more than sports. (Take a good guess at what that is)

They sat in silence, with an occasional curse or comment on a play. Jasper made it through another five minutes before he snapped.

Jumping to his feet, he growled,

"Emmett, go apologize to Rosalie for whatever you did. Grovel, beg, just do it! And Edward, go to Bella's, hunting, anywhere that's far, far away from here!" And with that, he stalked out of the room to go find Alice.

Never try to hang out with your brothers when they're having relationship problems and you're empathetic.

**A/N: To steal a quote from the great Stephenie Meyer: I love me some Jasper!**

**Quote from Twilight Lexicon.**


	7. Dracula

"Bella, how could you!? I trusted you! And you betrayed me!"

"Edward, I'm so sorry."

"Why, Bella? Why?"

"I was…curious."

"You were curious!? Curious??"

"I wanted to compare. To see the difference between you and him!"

"Your curiosity has broken my heart."

"I really am sorry, Edward. Please forgive me? Please?"

"I don't know if I can, Bella. I just don't know."

"I won't do it again! I won't ever say his name, or even think it! Please?"

"Well…I guess I can forgive you."

"Yes!"

"But only if you promise me one thing."

"Anything."

He handed her _Dracula, _which he hadfound hidden behind the other books in her bookshelf, with a shudder.

"Burn that."

Never, ever, EVER, read the horrifying versions of vampires that authors have created when you have the real thing. And if you must do so, don't let your vampire boyfriend find the book.

* * *

**A/N: Stephenie Meyer has made the best vampires in the world. Now all the other vampires I read about seem weak, pathetic, and ugly. Who can compare with Edward?**


	8. Being a Mom

Esme cuddled up with Carlisle on the couch. They had the house to themselves, for once. It felt calm and peaceful. Esme leaned her head on Carlisle's shoulder, smiling up at his handsome face. He smiled back lazily. The sun shone in through the windows, making their skin glitter. Esme closed her eyes, relaxing her entire body, and basked in the serenity.

Suddenly the front door burst open, and in came the Cullen kids, arguing loudly about anything and everything, Carlisle's hospital pager started beeping, and the phone started ringing.

Never try to have peace and quiet for more than a few minutes when you have five vampire teenagers (Six including Bella) and a doctor for a husband.

**A/N: I was trying to do a romantic Esme/Carlisle one-shot, but then I thought, _How do you get the time for romance with 6 kids?_**

**The answer: You don't. **

**Poor Esme. At least the Cullen kids are good…most of the time.**


	9. Pink Volvos

Edward left the Cullen house to go pick up Bella from school. He had just been there, of course, but had to come back to get his car and change clothes. He dug his keys out of his pocket and opened the door to the garage. There sat his shiny pink Volvo.

Wait a minute…pink!?

"EMMETT!"

Emmett appeared next to Edward, an evil smile on his face.

"Revenge is a dish best served cold…or in this case, served pink."

Never, ever, EVER, wreck Emmett's TV in a fit of rage. His revenge will be swift and painful. _Very _ painful.

**A/N: Poor Edward. How will he ever get to school? I'd still take the Volvo, but that's just because pink's my favorite color, hehe. **


	10. Bored Humans

Poke.

Poke.

…Poke.

Pokepokepokepokepokepoke.

"Bella, that won't work on me. I can barely feel it. I'm trying to get this song written, it's been stuck in my head for weeks. Do your homework."

"But-"

"No buts. I need to finish this."

"Fine, Edward, you leave me with no choice."

"…Where are you going? Bella, get away from my stereo. What CD are you putting in? …Bella?"

_I'll tell you what I want what I really, really want  
So tell me what you want what you really, really want  
I wanna (ha)  
I wanna (ha)  
I wanna (ha)  
I wanna (ha)  
I wanna really, really, really wanna zig-a-zig ah_

_If you wanna be my lover-_

"NO, Bella, turn it off! We'll do something else, I promise! My ears, my ears!"

Never try to ignore Isabella Marie Swan.

**A/N: Ok, first off, I apologize to any Spice Girl fans out there. I picked the song because I find it extremely annoying, and I think Edward would, too. **

**I wrote this because I was thinking of other different ways vampires could be annoying (like annoyingly hot) and then I thought to myself: Humans can be just as annoying as vampires! More, actually. So Bella can now show her annoying side. The problem was what would make Edward ever ignore Bella? Answer: His music. **

**So poor Edward's just trying to compose a piano piece, but Bella has other plans.**

**Humans are so annoying.**

…**Wow, that was a really long author's note. And I used the word 'annoying' 6 times. I really need a Thesaurus. **


	11. Scary Bella

Bella stared at the mountain of silk, lace, and other materials. There were at least a million costume dresses in the pile. She recognized Cinderella's glass slippers, Belle's golden gown, Sleeping Beauty's crown, and Ariel's…bra? She prayed Alice didn't try to put her in that. Speaking of Alice, she turned to watch Alice and Edward in deep discussion over what Bella should wear for Halloween.

"Bella is perfect for Belle. She looks exactly like her, and the names match!" Alice tried to persuade Edward.

"But she would make a better Sleeping Beauty, blue looks great on her. Plus she's beautiful when she sleeps." Edward argued back.

Bella sighed and decided to intervene before things got ugly.

"Hey guys? Hello? Edward? Alice?" They completely ignored her, and their arguing grew louder.

Bella raised two fingers to her mouth and blew. The loud, high-pitched whistle caused both vampires to clamp their hands over their ears and glare at her.

"Sorry, but you weren't listening." Bella snickered.

Alice put her hands on her hips and stared exasperated at Bella.

"Bella! Don't you realize how important this is? It's our family's favorite holiday! You have to look perfect!" Edward nodded in agreement.

"I understand that, but…what if I don't want to be a princess, or fairy, or mermaid? What if I want to be something scary?"

Edward and Alice both pressed their lips together to keep from laughing out loud.

"Um, Bella, honey, it would be kind of hard to put you in a scary costume because…well, Bella, you just aren't scary. At all." Edward tried to reason with her.

Bella sniffed, clearly offended.

"I am too scary! I'm a very scary person!"

The two vampires shared a loaded look then turned to look at her with wicked smiles.

"Oh, yeah? Show us!"

So Bella curled her fingers, trying to make them look like claws, twisted her face up, and let out the most menacing growl she could muster.

Edward and Alice stared at her for a few seconds, not blinking, shocked.

Then they both dissolved into laughter.

"That was-giggle-the best-giggle-you could do?" Gasped Alice.

Bella crossed her arms over her chest and pouted.

"It's not funny."

They only laughed harder.

Bella stomped out of the room, the vampire's laughs echoing behind her.

Never, ever try to be scarier than a vampire. It won't work.

* * *

**A/N: This is the longest one I've done so far. For some weird reason, I've been wanting it to be Halloween all day. Probably because of all the candy, hehe. It was a little OOC for Bella, but that's okay, right?**


	12. Grocery Shopping

_Grocery List_

_Milk_

_Eggs_

_Bread_

_Orange Juice_

_Toothpaste_

_Toilet paper_

She knew she shouldn't have let him do it. She knew better. But he had looked at her with those _eyes_, smiled at her with that _smile_, and persuaded her with that _voice. _And she couldn't say no.

She had never regretted anything more

The kitchen counter was covered in plastic bags. They contained five (five!) gallons of milk, 4 dozen eggs, 6 different kinds of bread, orange juice, apple juice, grape juice, and…prune juice? Gross!

To her horror, the kitchen table was also completely covered. There were 10 tubes, all different brands, of toothpaste and an assortment of tooth brushes, floss, and mouth wash.

There were also 15 bags filled with all kinds of food. Fruits, vegetables, and tons of junk food. And stacked up next to the table were the bags of toilet paper, their height rivaling Jacob's.

Bella turned to Edward with a murderous look.

He shuffled his feet and look at her sheepishly.

"I think I got a little carried away."

She continued to glare.

"Ok, I got a lot carried away. They had great sales there. I just bought things that I think I would have liked when I was human!"

Bella pulled out a liver and onions TV dinner.

"Edward…I don't think any human in their right mind would like this."

"I'm sorry."

The look he gave her melted her heart and made her want to kiss him.

But she now had enough food to feed an army and enough toilet paper to TP the whole town of Forks and they needed to be put away in the cupboards before Charlie came home, so she turned away from him with a sigh.

Never, ever, ever, EVER let your insanely rich vampire boyfriend, who can't taste food, go to the grocery store to pick up a few items for you, especially when he loves spoiling you. He can and will buy the whole store.

* * *

**A/N: My sister and I made the mistake of going shopping today when we were hungry, just to pick up a little something for lunch, and spent over $300 on food in less than an hour. Yeah. So I thought to myself, if two humans bought that much in so little time, how much would a vampire buy? More importantly, how much would _Edward _buy? The answer: A hellofa lot. But why would Edward go grocery shopping in the first place? The answer: Bella. **

**And so 'Grocery Shopping' was born.**

**Also, I want to thank everyone who has reviewed. I've tried to reply to all of you, but I might have missed a few, and there were a few anonymous reviewers. You guys rock! I feel so loved! Hehe. **


	13. Ruined Revenge

**A/N: This was meant to be a funny little drabble, but it came out kind of…angsty. I was trying to make fun of Victoria, but I ended up feeling sorry for her. Oh, well. This is probably going to be the only serious chapter.**

Version 1

Victoria crept through the forest separating Forks from La Push. The dumb mutts were long behind her. Surrounded by trees and darkness, the only thing that could be seen was a pair of shining, blood red eyes. That, and the pearl white flash of teeth as her lips curved into an evil smile.

She would finally avenge her James. She would kill the Cullen's pet slowly, making her last moments of life pure hell. She would rip her to pieces, just like the Cullen's ripped James to pieces. She looked forward to Edward's reaction when he realized that Bella girl was dead. He would grieve the way she grieves, feel the same pain she feels. That would've been enough for James.

She could see faint lights glittering ahead of her, and new she was almost there. Her grin grew wider, exposing more sharp teeth.

That smile wouldn't last long, however.

She heard a twig snap behind her and whirled around to find 6 silhouettes looming over her. Her last thought was, _'Guess they weren't so dumb after all.'_

Never, ever, try to slip past the werewolves of La Push.

Version 2

Victoria crept through the forest separating Forks from La Push. The dumb mutts were long behind her. Surrounded by trees and darkness, the only thing that could be seen was a pair of shining, blood red eyes. That, and the pearl white flash of teeth as her lips curved into an evil smile.

She would finally avenge her James. She would kill the Cullen's pet slowly, making her last moments of life pure hell. She would rip her to pieces, just like the Cullen's ripped James to pieces. She looked forward to Edward's reaction when he realized that Bella girl was dead. He would grieve the way she grieves, feel the same pain she feels. That would've been enough for James.

She could see faint lights glittering ahead of her, and new she was almost there. Her grin grew wider, exposing more sharp teeth.

That smile wouldn't last long, however.

She heard a twig snap behind her, and whirled around to find 7 pairs of topaz eyes glaring at her. Edward stepped forward and quoted softly,

"'Those who plot the destruction of others often perish in the attempt.'"

Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, mess with the Cullen family.

* * *

**A/N (yes another one): The quotes by Thomas Moore, some author. I found the quote on Google, hehe. Bye-bye, Vicki.**


	14. Edward's revenge

It seemed like an ordinary day in Forks. The sky was cloudy as usual, the temperature as cold as ever.

But to football fans like Emmett, it was the most important day of the year, besides his and Rosalie's anniversary, of course.

Super Bowl Sunday.

Emmett sat on the couch in front of the TV, grinning ear to ear, and reached for the remote.

_Click._

_Click._

Nothing.

Figuring the batteries were dead in the remote, Emmett got up to turn on the TV manually.

_Click._

_Click._

Nothing.

Starting to get suspicious, he ran upstairs to the room his (and Rosalie's) room, pressing the power button on the TV in there.

_Click._

_Click._

Nothing.

Furious, Emmett tried every TV in the house.

_Click._

_Click._

Nothing.

All the wires were set up correctly, they were all plugged in, and they all didn't work.

Only one person could and would do this.

_"EDWARD!"_

Edward appeared in the doorway, leaning against the doorjamb with a wicked smile on his face.

"Something wrong?"

"You know perfectly well what's wrong! But it won't work. I'll just go to town and watch it at a bar or something. So there."

"That's not going to happen." Edward pointed to the window. Emmett looked.

The clouds were going…going…gone. The sun shined gloriously.

Damn.

He couldn't go to town now, not unless he wanted to expose their family.

He was stuck. With no TV. And no Super Bowl.

Love, life, meaning…over.

Never, ever, evereverevereverever, paint Edward's Volvo pink. He knows your weaknesses and he will exploit them.

**A/N: This didn't really come out the way I planned. Oh well. And yes, the 2nd to last line was used in New Moon p.73, when Edward left Bella (cry!). I thought it really showed how much Emmett really loves the Super Bowl, haha. Poor Emmett, what will he do now?**


	15. The Monster

**A/N: I had a few sips of a Monster today, and to put in lightly, I went completely and utterly insane. I had several people ask me if I was high. No drugs, just hugs! And then, bouncing up and down in my poor computer chair, I wrote this. So don't yell at me, I was under the influence, hehe.**

Edward looked at the clock and sighed. Alice had dragged Bella to the mall_ hours _ago, with a promise from Edward that he wouldn't follow. But Edward was going to break that promise if they didn't come home soon.

He heard the sound of the car coming up the drive and rushed out the door. Alice got out of the car with a pained look on her face.

Edward narrowed his eyes at her.

"What happened?"

"I'm sorry, Edward! I didn't mean to, but she made me!"

"Made you what? Alice, what did you do?"

Just then, Bella got out of the car. Or rather _bounced_ out.

"_HiEdward!MeandAlicehadsomuchfunatthemallwewenttoamillionstoresandboughtlotsofthingsandthenwewenttolunchandshegotmeamonsterandthenwewentshoppingagainandIboughtsomecuteshirtsandyoushouldseethemwowyoulookreallypretty_!" Edward gaped at her and then turned to Alice in horror.

"Alice. You didn't. How could you?"

"She said it would be fine, that she'd only have a couple sips, and the next thing I knew she had drank the whole bottle!"

"That is exactly what she said last time! Do you remember what happened then? It was terrible!"

Bella hopped up and down with a big goofy smile on her face.

"_Youknowyouguysreallyshouldn'targuesomuchImeanyouaresoserioussometimesyoujusthavetoloosenupanddrinksomemonsters!Oh!IhearEmmettandJasperIwonderwhattheyredoingI'mgoingtogoseeyoushouldunloadtheshoppingbagsEdwardbye!"_

"No, Bella!"

But it was too late. Bella bounced into the house and crashed into something, most likely something glass and expensive.

"_No_! Not _again_! My new TV!"

Complete silence followed Emmett's bellow. Then,

"_Whoops, my bad."_

Never, EVER, give Bella an energy drink. Especially if it's a Monster. The consequences will be severe, if not fatal.

**A/N: Poor Emmett, he has to buy a new TV…again. Now he'll have to avenge _two_ TV's!**

**Italics are my new best friend.**

**Did you have fun trying to read what Bella said? (evil laughter)**

**Monsters do strange things to people.**


	16. The Contest

**A/N: Over 100 reviews! I love, love, love, love, LOVE you guys!**

**Oh, and Amy, yes I do have a Twilight Lexicon account, but I haven't been on there for a couple of days. And I'm kind of a perfectionist when it comes to grammar and spelling, hehe.**

When Bella came home from a hard day's work at the Newton's store, the last thing she expected to find were Edward and Jacob on the couch in her living room staring into each other's eyes. She had wanted them to get along, but this was a little _too_ friendly.

"Am I missing something here? Do you guys want some privacy?"

They both snorted.

"We're having a staring contest. First to blink loses." Edward explained, not looking away from Jacob.

"Ooooh, I see…not. Why in the world are you guys having a staring contest?"

This time it was Jacob who answered.

"No idea. We were both bored and waiting for you, and then we were glaring at each other and not blinking, so I challenged the bloodsucker to an official contest."

"Which I'm going to win."

"We'll see about that, leech."

"Mutt."

"Dracula."

"…That was low."

"Sorry."

Bella rolled her eyes at them, and then sat in the chair to stare at them staring at each other.

Five minutes past.

Then ten.

Just as Bella was about to fall asleep, Jacob's eyes started watering. And then twitching. Until finally,

"Ha, you blinked!"

"No, I didn't!"

"Yes, you did! Bella, tell him!"

"Sorry, Jake, you blinked."

"Damn."

Never challenge a vampire to a staring contest. You'll lose and then he or she will laugh at you.

* * *

**A/N: Another story written under the influence of an energy drink. This time, I had half of a Full Throttle. It was goooood. Anyway, being extremely hyper and kind of stupid, I tried to have a staring contest with my cat. Unsurprisingly, I lost. Then, remembering how catlike Edward is (more like a lion, but whatever) I decided he would be really hard to beat. But Emmett's a little mad at him right now because of the whole TV thing, and Jasper would definitely cheat (make you feel depressed and emo until you just _had _to blink) but Jacob…Jacob isn't a vampire, but he's not human either, so he'd be pretty tough to beat. But no one can beat Edward –sigh-**

**Wow, that was an extremely long author's note, and I'm just making it longer. Hehe.**


	17. Road Trip

"Turn here! It's this exit, turn here! No, you missed it, you moron!"

"Alice, I'm not stopping just because you want to go to the mall. You'll be in there for hours and you know it."

"Thank God."

"Jasper! You're supposed to be on my side!"

"I'm bored."

"That's nice, Emmett. Move over, you're sitting on my new purse! Edward, can't you go any faster? You're driving like an old lady!"

"I'm going the speed limit because there's a cop just ahead of us, and Rosalie, you _are_ an old lady."

"I'll show you old lady, you bas-"

"Language, Rosalie! Edward, apologize! Emmett and Jasper, stop laughing, you're scaring Bella. Alice, you can shop when we get to Denali. Now try to get along and give me and your father some peace and quiet."

"Yes, Mom."

"………………………"

"Would you two get a room? I think I'm going to be sick."

"You're just jealous, Jasper."

"Of you? Yeah, right!"

"Oh, look, at that car! It's a new-"

"Piece of junk."

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

"Enough! If I were human, I'd have the biggest headache right now."

"If you were human, Edward, one of us would have killed you by now."

"Don't talk like that, Emmett, you'll scare Bella."

"Bella's not scared of me, Esme. Right Bella?"

"Um-"

"See? I told you so."

"It's almost noon, we should stop somewhere to get Bella something to eat."

"We could have gotten some food at the mall back there."

"You would have been too busy dragging her through every single store to stop for food, Alice, and you know it."

"Look, there's a McDonalds up ahead, turn there!"

"McDonalds doesn't have very healthy food…"

"It's ok, Carlisle, Bella's going to be a vampire soon anyway. A hamburger and some fries aren't going to do any damage. Edward, don't growl at me, you know it's true, I Saw it."

"Why would anyone want to eat fried potatoes? Gross."

"I'm sure Bella thinks the same thing about grizzly bears, Emmett. You like fries, right Bella?"

"Um-"

"See, Bella likes them, so that's all that matters."

"Edward, why don't you just run into the truck in front of us? You're close enough."

"Will you stop commenting on my driving, Rosalie? Talk about a backseat driver."

"It's not my fault you don't know how to drive."

"I drive perfectly fine! At least I've never crashed before."

"That was one time!"

"Edward, Rosalie, really! Stop arguing, you sound like you're a couple of kids."

"Really annoying, obnoxious kids."

"Shut up!"

"Here we are. Do you want to go inside, Bella, or go through the drive through?"

"Um-"

"Drive through it is."

"Do you want a number three meal, Bella?"

"Um-"

"Ew. Mushrooms, on meat? And humans actually eat it?"

"If they didn't eat it, Jasper, it wouldn't be on the menu."

"Smart a-"

"Ooo, look! They sell toys here!"

"No, Alice."

"But they're so cute! Please?"

"…Ok, fine. Edward, get Alice a toy."

"You are so whipped, man."

"Emmett, I want one, too."

"Yes, dear."

"You were saying?"

"Shut up, Jasper."

"Boys!"

"Sorry, Mom."

"Now be quiet while Edward's ordering the food."

"…………………"

"I think the lady at the window actually _drooled _over Edward."

"Gross."

"What, that she drooled, or that she drooled over Edward?"

"…Both."

"Hey!"

"Sorry, but it's true."

"Okay, let's get this hunk of junk back on the highway."

"It's not junk, Emmett. It's an SUV."

"It's junk. You might as well have gotten a Mini-Van."

"Ha!"

"Why does Edward get to drive anyway? Why can't I drive?"

"Because I like you being next to you in the backseat, Rose."

"Do not start that again! I swear I will make you feel so depressed, you won't even be able to _look_ at each other!"

"That's not very nice, Jasper."

"Sorry, Alice."

"I think he should do it anyway."

"Well no one asked for your opinion anyway, Edward!"

"I don't want to see that, and I'm sure Bella doesn't either. Right, Bella?"

"Um-"

"See? Bella doesn't want you making out in front of her, so stop it."

"Let the poor girl talk! She hasn't said a word other than 'Um' in the past hour!"

"Sorry, Bella. Did you want to say something?"

"...Bella? Bella?"

Bella took here headphones off of her ears.

"I'm sorry, what?"

"……….."

"Wow, she brought her iPod. Why didn't we think of that?"

"I feel stupid."

"I can't believe I didn't think of that. Then I wouldn't have had to listen to Rosalie argue with Edward and make out with Emmett."

"Hey, Bella, can I borrow that?"

"No, I want to!"

"No, me!"

"Bella's gonna give it to me, cuz I'm her favorite, right Bella?"

Bella wisely put her headphones back on.

Never, ever, ever go on a road trip with a family of vampires. And if you must, bring an iPod, mp3 player, or a walkman. Vampires may look pretty, but they can and will drive you insane. Mental hospital, anyone?

**A/N: Ever been on a car trip with the most annoying people on earth? I have been. Several times. Headphones are the best.**

**My family gets a bit peeved when I listen to my iPod (which is like 24/7, so they're always mad at me) because they'll ask me a question and I either answer with "Um…I don't know" or "What? I can't hear you!" really loudly. In Bella's case, no one really listens to her and they keep interrupting her anyway, so nobody got mad at her. **

**I really wanted to make a Cullen family piece, with a lot of arguments (those are so much fun!) and the dialogue just flowed out. Imagine all of the Cullen's/Hale's/Swan in a big, 8-passenger SUV, traveling who knows how many hours up to the Denali coven in Alaska (for lack of a better place), and bickering the whole way there. –sigh- Anybody got a camera?**


	18. Emmett's Revenge

Edward sat down at his piano and flexed his fingers. He'd wanted to play all day, but there had been school, and then Alice had insisted on taking Bella to Port Angeles to go shopping. Of course Edward had gone with them to make sure Bella stayed safe and didn't break a leg or someone else's. But now Alice and Bella were upstairs trying to make room in Alice's closet for more clothes so he finally had time to play.

He closed his eyes and his fingers stroked over the keys gently, then he began the familiar movements of Bella's lullaby, which he knew she would hear from upstairs.

No sound came out.

Not one note.

His eyes snapped open.

No…Emmett wouldn't have…He couldn't…

He quickly got up and opened the top of the piano, peering inside.

There was nothing there. It was completely empty inside.

Meaningless. All of it was meaningless. His very existence was meaningless.

The whole world was meaningless.

Bella jumped when an enraged snarl echoed through the house, but Alice just giggled.

"Alice? Was that Edward?"

"Yup! Emmett broke his piano."

Bella gaped at her.

"He what!?"

"Emmett and Edward are at war, you could say. It started when Edward broke Emmett's TV, that night we all voted. He was pissed. They've been playing tricks on each other ever since," Alice explained, "You should see what Edward's going to do to him now!" She laughed merrily.

Bella smiled, and then remembered something.

"Um, Alice?"

"Yes?" Alice shoved several shirts into a dresser drawer.

"Emmett isn't too mad at me, for breaking his TV, right? I mean, it's not like I did it on purpose, like Edward. He's not going to…get revenge?"

Alice grinned wickedly.

"I think I hear Jasper coming home. Gotta go tell him what I bought!"

And she danced out of the room.

"Alice! What about Emmett? What's he going to do!? Alice...Alice?"

Never, ever, EVER, get between Emmett and the Super Bowl. Baaaad things will happen.

**A/N: Emmett and Edward sure do like to yell/growl/snarl/roar when they get angry, don't they? Guy vampires. Can't live with them, can't live without them. –sigh-**

**I did it again! I used another line from Stephenie Meyer. The 'Meaningless' line, from _Rosalie's News _on I think it shows how much his piano means to him, hehe. Poor Edward.**

**Disclaimer (I haven't done one of these in awhile): Twilight, New Moon and all of their characters belong to Stephenie Meyer's, not me. And no matter how much I cry, beg, and throw tantrums, that will never change**


	19. Sea Sponges

Edward walked in Bella's house without knocking, since Charlie had been called into work that afternoon. He found Bella sitting on the couch watching TV.

When she saw him, she quickly changed the channel, blushing madly.

He raised an eyebrow at her.

"Isabella Marie Swan, were you watching something you aren't supposed to?"

"No! No, of course not!"

She said quickly…too quickly.

"So, show me what you were watching."

"No! It was nothing, just a commercial."

"You are an extremely bad liar, you know."

She threw a couch pillow at him, which he caught easily.

"Hmm, first you were defensive and then you lied. And now you're getting violent. It must be a very, very bad show."

"It was nothing, ok? Just drop it."

He sat down next to her and tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear, leaning close.

"Please, Bella?"

His eyes gazed into her and his breath fanned her face, making it very hard to think.

Stupid dazzling vampire.

"N-no! Edward…stop."

Her protest was feeble and breathy, but she still didn't give in.

He sighed and then very gently kissed her. When she melted against him, he stole the remote.

Without taking his lips from hers, he changed the channel back to the one she was watching before.

"_**Are you ready kids?** Aye-aye, captain! **I can't hear you! **AYE-AYE, CAPTAIN!_

**_Oooh, who lives in a pineapple under the sea?-"_**

He pulled away and gaped at her.

"Spongebob? You were watching Spongebob?"

"There's nothing wrong with Spongebob! It's a funny show."

"…You watch Spongebob."

He stared at her, not blinking.

"Yes. I just said that."

"…You watch Spongebob."

"Edward, snap out of it! Yes, I watch Spongebob. I've watched in since it came out, I've seen every episode!"

"…You watch Spongebob. An immature, foolish show about a dim-witted sea sponge and an even denser starfish."

Bella's face got very cold, very hard. If looks could kill, he would be nothing but a pile of ash at her feet.

"Did you just insult Spongebob?"

Her voice was soft, dangerous.

"Yes."

After all, what's the worst she can do to him?

She glared at him for a long moment, and then her lips curved into a smile that Edward had never seen before. It was pure evil.

That night, Edward found himself sitting outside Bella's window, watching her lay in her warm, comfy, dry bed.

Rain drenched his hair and soaked his clothes. The wind blew violently, making the branch he was on sway back and forth.

A maple leaf flew out of nowhere and landed with a wet plop on his face. He removed it off with a scowl.

A snort of laughter came from inside the room.

"Serves you right, Edward Cullen, for being mean to Spongebob. And don't you dare try to come in when I'm sleeping or else I'll sick Alice on you! Good night!"

And with that, she turned over on her side with her back facing him, leaving him to spend the rest of the night outside immersed in water.

Damn.

Never, ever, EVER insult Spongebob in front of Bella. She's a lot more evil than she looks.

* * *

**A/N: I don't like Spongebob. Never have, never will. Sorry to all you Spongebob fans. But I have a friend who's absolutely obsessed with him (He's like her Edward…ew.) and she loves to torture me by making me watch the show over and over and over again. And she is very vicious when you insult him. I thought to myself, well, if I can make Bella own a Spice Girls CD, then I can make her like Spongebob.**

**And the reason that Edward stays outside all night and doesn't go home is he doesn't want to leave her unprotected in case of Victoria and other dangers. **

**Think of how good Edward looks in the rain, soaking wet…-drools-**


	20. Bella's Attempt

**Bella's Attempt**

"Darn it!"

The blue eye shadow missed Bella's eye lid and smeared across her brow.

"Shoot!"

The eye liner pencil smudged under Bella's eyes and made her look like a raccoon.

"Ouch!"

The mascara wand poked Bella's eye for the 3rd time.

Sigh.

Defeated, Bella opened the bathroom door to reveal a smug looking vampire.

"Ok Alice, I give up. You can do my make up."

Never try to apply makeup when you have absolutely no hand eye coordination.

**Bella's Attempt 2**

"Darn it!"

The blue eye shadow missed Bella's eye lid and smeared across her brow.

"Shoot!"

The eye liner pencil smudged under Bella's eyes and made her look like a raccoon.

"Ouch!"

The mascara wand poked Bella's eye for the 3rd time.

After several painful more tries, Bella stared into the mirror satisfied. Then her nose twitched. Once, twice, three times. Bella's look of satisfaction turned into one of horror, and then,

_"Achoo!"_

The make up was smeared, blotched, and utterly ruined.

Defeated, Bella opened the bathroom door to reveal a smug looking vampire.

"Ok Alice, I give up. You can do my make up."

Never try to apply make up when you sneeze at the worst possible moments.

**

* * *

**

**A/N: Bella will do anything to escape being Alice's Barbie guinea pig, including putting on makeup herself, but since she's a total klutz, it didn't really work out.**

**I wrote the first one and was pretty pleased about it, but then I asked myself, what if Bella hadn't given up, but had finished her makeup?**

**Answer: Since she has absolutely no good luck (besides getting Edward for a boyfriend), something terrible would happen to ruin her makeup as soon as she finished it. **

**But what?**

**Answer: A sneeze.**

**When you first put on mascara and eyeliner, it's still wet and fresh and when you sneeze, your eyes squeeze together tightly and it smeares _everywhere._ It's happened to me several times, sadly.**


	21. Pure Evil

**A/N: I finally updated! Sorry it's been so long. I have a really bad cold so I haven't felt like doing anything lately. And when I finally dragged myself out of bed and wrote a few chapters, my computer froze and deleted them all. Yeah, that made me say a few words that I can't repeat unless I raise the rating to M. I'll try to rewrite those when I feel better, but for now, here's this!**

The cat was evil. It smirked at him, taunting him, an evil gleam in it's eyes. Then it would turn those eyes to Bella and become the perfect, angelic kitty, rubbing against her legs. Bella would coo and fawn over its "Pretty white coat" and its "Itty-bitty paws."

It made Edward want to barf.

"Isn't he just the cutest thing ever, Edward? Look at him curled up on my pillow! I'm so glad Charlie gave him to me."

Yeah, because Edward had mentioned that he didn't like cats, and the very next day Edward came over to find a white fluff ball in Bella's arms.

Like a cat could keep him away from Bella.

"Do you want some tuna, Adonis?"

The cat looked at her and purred. Edward held back a snort. Pathetic.

Edward can purr _way_ better than that.

"I'll be right back. Edward, can you watch Adonis, make sure he doesn't get hurt or wander off?"

Edward smiled charmingly at her and nodded, watching as she left her room to the kitchen.

The smile dropped as he turned toward the cat. It hissed at him. He hissed back.

"Alright, fur ball, it's time you and me have a serious talk."

The cat sneered at him then started licking a paw casually, as if saying,

"Do your worst, I'm not afraid of you."

Edward growled at it.

It jumped from Bella's bed to the rocking chair, where Edward's cashmere sweater was lying. Sharp nails dug into the fabric, and white strands of cat hair stuck like glue.

Edward's control snapped.

When Bella came back five minutes later, Edward was sitting on her bed with a sheepish look on his face.

The cat was nowhere to be seen.

Something white glittered on Edward's cheek…right near his lips.

It was a whisker.

Never leave vampires and cats alone in the same room. One of them will get eaten.

Alternate Ending:

When Bella came back five minutes later, she found the cat sitting on the edge of her bed.

Edward was nowhere to be seen.

Adonis licked his lips.

Something hung from one of his whiskers.

A strand of bronze hair.

Never leave vampires and cats alone in the same room. One of them will get eaten.

* * *

**A/N: Oh no, the cat ate Edward! Bella describes Edward as her Adonis somewhere in Twilight…I think. It's really hard to remember anything when you have a stuffy nose and sore throat. Anyway, it seemed to fit. **

**The whole time I was writing this, I pictured Bella with southern accent, like she was from Texas or somewhere. Hence the itty-bitty paws. I have no clue why, I'm just weird. Do Arizonians have accents? I've never been, so I don't know.**

**Ok, time to end the wacky story and even wackier author's note. Thanks to all my reviewers! Cookies and cake for everyone!**


	22. Ah, Valentine's Day!

**A/N: Ok, yeah I suck. I haven't updated in forever. It's not my fault though! Besides the fact that I've been extremely busy with classes, packing, and housework, my computer is a piece of junk. Every time I go to save something, it freezes. I've been writing chapters out by hand, which is extremely painful. I'm getting a new computer in about two weeks though, so be prepared for a parade of new chapters. Yay!**

_My love is deep and true_

_Like the ocean blue_

_My love is wild and free_

_Like the tallest oak tree_

The words were scribbled out violently. The paper was crumpled up and thrown towards the waste basket…where it landed six feet away from it. Oops.

_Your smile is like chocolate_

_That I can't eat enough of-_

'Okay, that sounds dirty. And what rhymes with chocolate anyway?'

Scribble. Crumple. Throw. Miss.

_Roses are red_

_Violets are blue-_

'What am I, five?'

Scribble. Crumple. Throw. Miss.

Bella banged her head on the desk and sighed.

Well, there go her plans to surprise Edward with a beautiful poem for Valentine's Day.

Guess she'll just have to get him flowers.

Never try to put the love Bella and Edward feel for each other into words. Nothing can describe it.

* * *

**A/N: I already made a really long author's note at the beginning of this chapter, so I'll try to make this one quick. I realized that I hadn't done a Valentine's day story and since it's one of my favorite holidays, I had to write one. Expect a Christmas one soon, hehe. **

**Btw, I had no idea how much fun it was thinking up beginnings to crappy love poems. I was giggling like crazy. **


	23. Grow a brain, Mike

**A/N: The sort of sequel to A Woman and Her Chocolate (Ch.3)**

The last chocolate bar.

The last rich, sweet, delicious milk chocolate Hershey's bar in the school's vending machine.

And it was all hers.

She opened her mouth to take that first yummy bite-

"Hi, Bella!"

Startled, Bella jumped slightly…and the candy bar slipped out of her fingers and dropped to the dirty cafeteria floor. She blinked at the ruined chocolate for a few seconds then looked up to send an icy glare at the chocolate murderer.

Mike Newton.

"What's up? I was just wondering if…um, Bella, why are you looking at me like that? I don't think I like that smile…Oh no, Bella, put the milk carton down!"

Mike Newton went home early from school that day in milk stained clothes and a bruise in the shape of a hand print on his cheek.

Again: Never get between a woman and her chocolate. And never, EVER, wreck the last piece.

**A/N: I was just leaving the grocery store with a chocolate bar in my hand, happy as can be, when some stupid idiotic jerk bumped into me and knocked it out o my hands! I was about to kill him, but he disappeared inside the store. Grrr. So he made me in a bad mood, and whenever I'm in a bad mood I tend to make fun of Mike Newton. I do that in a good mood, too, actually…**

**Anyway, Bella seems more of a slapping type of girl. Personally, I prefer to punch. It leaves a bigger bruise –evil smile-**


	24. She's Gone

**A/N: AAAAAHHHH!! I am so, so, so sorry! I haven't updated in forever! I've become one of those authors that I hate, the ones that start really good stories and then just stops updating and gives up on them, and the readers are left hanging. Ok, now it's time to make my really lame excuses. First off, my computer is…a lot of bad words that I can't type here unless I change the rating to M. It's deleted most of my stories, and for some reason, it hates and goes soooo slow when I'm on the site. Second, my life is officially crazy. Family, friends, they're all insane and I really don't want to go into details. Last but not least, I've been in California all summer visiting family, and it is so hard to write when you have two nephews following you everywhere and bugging you to play a Sponge Bob game on the computer. And you all know how much I love Sponge Bob. Yeah. So there's not going to be a chapter parade for awhile, not until I rewrite every single story that was on my computer. Woo hoo. Here are a couple of short chappies until then!**

_She's gone, she's gone_

Red lights flashed before his eyes, and the sound of sirens could be heard from miles away. He couldn't move, couldn't breathe, couldn't feel anything. He was completely and utterly numb. One of the three deputies of Forks approached him and began talking, his eyes full of sympathy, but Edward could barely hear him over the voice screaming in his head.

_She's gone, she's gone_

"Roads wet, slippery…"

_She's gone, she's gone_

"…going too fast…couldn't save her…"

_She's gone, she's gone_

"I'm sorry, son, she's gone."

Edward could only stare at him, blinking, and the deputy patted his shoulder before walking away.

_She's gone, she's gone_

How could this have happened? He'd always been so careful, kept her safe, loved, gave her everything he had, protected her from harm, and now…

And now she was a Volvo pretzel around a tree trunk.

He turned and glared into sheepish warm brown eyes. Bella bit her lip and said the first thing that popped into her head.

"Oops."

Never let Bella drive your car.

**A/N: The author notes are longer than the chapter. Oh well. I tried to make it seem like Bella had died in a car accident at first, and then you realize she just crashed it and she's fine. I thought it was funny, but then I do have a really strange sense of humor…**


	25. Chatterbox

"And then I was like 'Oh no, you did NOT!' And she was like 'Oh yeah, I did,' and I was like 'Bring it!' and then he walked by and I was all-"

–_Insert annoying high-pitched squeal here-_

"And I was like 'Bah-bye,' and then I walked up to him and was like 'Hi' and he said hi back and then he like smiled and I was like 'Oh my God!' but only in my head 'cause I didn't want him to think I was one of those like annoying girls who always think about themselves, and like, say 'like' all the time. That is sooooo annoying. Anyway, I was like "What's up?" and he was like 'The sky' and I laughed so hard! The sky! Isn't that so funny? I love a guy with a good sense of humor. Oh! I forgot to tell you! Ashley in math class has a huge crush on..."

_2 hours later_…

"And then I was like, 'That is sooooo cool!' Don't you think, Bella...Bella? Bella, are you sleeping!? Bella!"

Never ask Jessica how her day went. Unless you have plenty of time on your hands and enjoy being bored senseless.

**A/N: Short and stupid. Yes, Jessica is out of character. Sort of. Who is she talking about? Don't know, don't care. This is just how I picture her talking in my head. Annoying, valley-girl chatterbox. Maybe we should make a petition for Stephenie Meyer to have some one eat her in the next book. (Sic her, Jacob!)**

**This was actually hard to write because of all the 'likes'. I don't know if I was put commas after them or before and after them, or what. Oh well. **


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